I sit here just out of my shower. Sometimes I feel like I take showers to wash away the thoughts, the pain, the frustation, and the confusion. The hotter the water the more numb I become to all the things that are bothering me. To just stand there with the hot water beating against my back soaking my hair and know that's all I can think about is so refreshing. But as soon as I step out its like a slap to the face and all that I left behind is right in front of me. I have so many thoughts speeding through my mind that if you asked me right this minute what I was thinking I wouldn't have an idea.
And most of my thoughts are about "him". And everyday I become just a little bit more confused about what I am suppose to do. So I stand there soaking up every last detail, every last kiss, every last arguement, every last goodmorning, every last I love you, and I wonder what my life would be like without him and I wonder what it will be like in the end with him. I feel like I babble on and on but I guess I need to babble on to collect my thoughts. Everyday I learn something new about him. Somedays its good, others its not. I think I'll keep him. I just pray that he understands. I love him, but how much?
And then there's "them", I know they love me. Although they don't always say it I know it deep down in my heart. They're doing the best they can and I'm greatful for that. We don't always see eye to eye. But whoever will? I'm ready to move on but I'm not sure if they're ready to let go. It'll be a sad dayfor us all. And if I could tell them anything at all I would say,"Quit worrying you did the best you could do, its all on me from here.My choices are my own thank you for guiding me down the right path. I think we can take my training wheels off now I'm ready to ride. I love you."
And lastly there's "it". Its a scary place full of decisions, consequences,and heartache. I'm either going to embrace it or get knocked onto my ass. Either way its the roads that I choose to make it the journey that it is. I'm not going to lie it's pretty damn scary. I'm pretty sure that 63% of the time it's gunna knock me on my ass. But I'm going to focus on that 37% of the time that I'm going to embrace it. Who knows my numbers could be wrong.
So in the end the water is warm and my head is filled with thoughts again as I wrap my towel around my vulnerable body.